Yeah, Ukraine was canceled. Nixed. Done. And just like that the coolness of my summer decreases somewhere around 399 levels. I want to fucking scream when I get the e-mail, but it didn't sink in until like, today, when I realized I don't really think I'm ready to go to Russia and live with a host family when I'll barely be able to pronounce the words "How are you"
Really
I am not comfortable with that shit!
Besides that unbearable horrible news, I stayed in last night and did nothing except read this book that I've been reading. It's quite good. It's the Master and Margarita. And yesterday I went to barnes & noble and picked up yet another two books... to add to my list of 494854858 thousand that I have yet to must/want to read. I wish my room mate would die.
The end.
anyway i don't take pictures anymore.

There is a lot of shit going in my mind lately. Mostly there is this inexorable urge to cleanse myself of everything i've been doing these past two months or so. five months. two years. i'm just so tired of it all, and find myself more and more wishing i had never started smoking cigarettes, and had never started drinking, and had always woken up early, and loved my family more and appreciated them more.

basically. i think i'm growing up. and it's weird to say that, because the only thing i can think of that put me in this weird place, is university. i never realized how much my dad and mom do for me until i came here. and i never realized how fast my little sister was growing up until i was away. or how much i love yvonne, which is a lot, lot.. more than i can say. really. it makes me tear up.
i'm just sick of pretending that i give a fuck about getting fucked up. and i'm tired of feeling sick in the morning after drinking, and the money that i spend on it all, etc.

i'm just not a very healthy, happy human being. and i really wish i was. so maybe i'll just quit all of this. HA!
everyone in the world does these things, and i'm a sociable human if there ever was one.

besides all this yearning for innocence, there are finals. and they are hell. i do this thing where i sike myself out and think i have to study for ten more hours than i really do. or maybe i really DO have to study for those ten hours or more, but it always never completely gets done, because i like sleeping and i have a stomach, which freaks me out ever more, because i feel unprepared.
i get it from ma mama.

i'm just ranting, really. this is what i would be doing in my journal if i hadn'tve left it in fucking canada week before last.

a kid on my floor is writing a novella.
do you know how jealous i am?
no, you don't.
maybe if i shoved all those substances away, or something, i would become more inspired.
i just haven't seen enough of the world. and i'm not really that imaginative i guess.

I CAN'T WAIT TO GO TO UKRAINE. hollllllllllllllllllllllllllllly shitshitshit.

last night i got three hours of sleep. because i was fucking STARVING at five a.m. i'm talking like you're so fucking hungry, or whatever, that youre nauseous because of it. fucking so fucking annoying, especially when all you have for food in your dorm is strawberry poptarts (I WILL NEVER EAT THESE AGAIN AFTER TODAY) and fucking peanut butter crackers. i hate getting food around here. anyway i managed to puke four times. so just remember: no matter what, you're having a better day than me. DDDDDDDDDDDD
thanks for reading.